Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

emergency phone

jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

Yes, but it was never about money

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?

Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.

My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”

♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax