Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?

Me: *long awkward pause* A while…

wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.