Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.

I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

Me: “Can you go back four slides?”

Bride: “To the wedding dress?”

Me: “No, the cheese plate.”

Me: Wipes tears.

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.