Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

Today’s tshirt

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.