Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬

When I snag the last meatball.

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

Day 4. They suspect nothing.