Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!

Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!

“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.

if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.