I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
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boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Tremendous stuff
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
