I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like