Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.

huge valentines day plans this year!!

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?