@Blueorsomething

“I’m single by choice” I whisper to the pizza delivery guy as he hands me my change.

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@MrSpoonicorn

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

@prozdkp

as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound

@Chyld

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

@AllyBallyBeal

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more

@OllyiConic

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

@ClichedOut

“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

@Contwixt

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

@rablivingstone

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

@CulturedRuffian

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.