there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
“I’m single by choice” I whisper to the pizza delivery guy as he hands me my change.
You Might Also Like
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.