My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
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I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Dance like you’re not the father
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.