@AnOrangeSNES: [Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum] Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures* Batman: Ugh

@TheToddWilliams: [butterfly residence] WIFE: You said you'd change, Carl HUSBAND: But I have WIFE: Not really HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

@murrman5: "when people say different color bell peppers taste different" [doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically

@theroyaltramp: I just downloaded another distraction on my distraction device so I can be distracted when my other distractions aren't distracting enough.

@Darlainky: I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.