I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
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[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone