I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
You Might Also Like
I gave up going to work for lent.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
at ease…shoulder.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid