Since joining Twitter, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
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Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
If a mugger ever asks me to draw an uppercase cursive Q or he’ll shoot, tell my family I died a hero… #hero #cootertales
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job