I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
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“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?