Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”

Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.

My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.