Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.

I see your IQ test came back negative

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.