I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
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The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.