Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8

Joseph Smith, 1833

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic

📽️movie date🎞️

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.

Saw your ex at the shops

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂

Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’