I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
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Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.