Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together

the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for

when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

(first date)

Her: I love Star Trek

Me: Me too!

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!

damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”