Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

Me: Netflix and chill?

Her: sure

Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password

Her:

Me: and don’t forget the condoms!

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?