[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
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The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.