I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
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Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
The legends speak of a third Duran…
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”