I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
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Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead