Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

Saw this yesterday lol

They also CAN sing✌️

This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶