I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
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I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way