Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

Blocked: 1985

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

Good for him.

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!