I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
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*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank