Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

File under excellent bookstore names.

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

Google assistant rules

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?

Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.

Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.

Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!