I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
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Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Alexa turn off the planet
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.