Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

Autocarrot sucks!

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

Murderer: [stabs me]

Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]

What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?