I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
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oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep