Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alexa, make out with the Roomba

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!

Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]

KID: I’m hungry

DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

Extremely relatable.

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

I get distracted pretty eas

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”

Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions