I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
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That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
#Caturday
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.