I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
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right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse