I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
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Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.