Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: you opened it in Word didn’t you

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.

Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

Can we not just call it Zealand now?

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese