I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
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Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]