I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
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Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.