Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

Investing in beetcoin

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.