Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.

Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!

#RateMyPun #LunchPun

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture

Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

rip to my favourite tweet

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.

date: what are you thinking about

me: fall should be spelled fa//

date:

me:

date: fell should be spelled fe_ _

*we kiss*

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.