I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
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the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
meanwhile over on facebook
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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