I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
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Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
The Joker was right
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
