I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
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Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
we’re gonna need another temp
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON