Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼‍♂️

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet

friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

Hey neighbor…

Hope you…

Don’t mind…

Me borrowing…

Your…

Trampoline…

o: I want a tail

GENIE: ok

α: longer

GENIE: sure

q: LONGER

GENIE: dude

@: perfect

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.

kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?