Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Husband:

*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*

Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

#WhenIMisspelled ya know.

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!