Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

[The Second Coming]

Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“

Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”

New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?

Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

“I never trust anything from the government!”

*uses highways

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.