Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.

*having an ultrasound*

dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..

patient: omg what!?

dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.

patient: intruder?

dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU

nurse: umm i think she is having twins?

dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.

Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread