I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
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After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?