I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
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7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
RT if you could go either way.
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.