I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
You Might Also Like
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.