Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

Me: Alexa, play music

Cop: where do you think you are?

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.

Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.