I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
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I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
#FunnyLife Insects
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
my mom making me talk to relatives
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.