I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
You Might Also Like
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
🥴😂
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
It’s so cool how computers have made life simpler I tell myself and all 36,759 of my unread emails.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?