Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house

I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo