I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
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In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?