I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
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I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Pigeon open mic night.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
how do y’all walk in shallow water
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I’m good, thanks.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me