I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
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Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.