i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
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US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Who called it baking and not making love
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex