i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
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Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Incredible customer service.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?