Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”

Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”

5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.

I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.