im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
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Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
it takes so much energy
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Breakfast for Stoners:
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?