im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
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Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Good advice.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving