Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream

Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good