Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.

2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.

MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: weird but ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello soda

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

The three genders.

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

I got a sweater for Christmas.

I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.

Dumple

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.