I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
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Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
That eye roll….
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.