I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
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Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.