Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

when u get so high u forget u ordered food

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

[leaving parents’ house]

HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.

ME: Ya he also has another one.

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

I’ve been lied to my entire life

*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*

“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

Every house has this drawer

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?

Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

[at grocery store]

Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?

Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s