Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good boy 😂😂

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅

4th year is going well.

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.

Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them