Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!

6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!

Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me