Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

*deathbed*

All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat

*dies*

*widow rolls eyes*

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

This is my pinned tweet

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom