Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

I think about this a lot

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.

He replied with: “Dream on!”

That’s very nice of him, right?

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

WTF

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity