I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
You Might Also Like
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.