I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
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Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
That’s enough internet for the day
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…